Sunday, May 29, 2011

My Big Fat Confession

I have a confession.  I have a serious problem.  It’s probably something that everyone has struggled with at some point.  I’m rarely ever content.  That’s such a difficult confession.  There are so many “mom bloggers” that I follow that are just so….content.  They’re perfectly happy with every aspect of their lives.  Or at least that’s how it seems.  I’m sure they have a stretch mark or dimple booty or something small they would change…but overall…they’re content. 

I had a meltdown Saturday.  My poor husband didn’t know what to do with me.  Let me explain how this went.  Amelia didn’t sleep well the night before and I was tired.  Caroline had a cold was sickly all day Friday.  It is no secret in this house that Judd has to work on Saturdays.  It’s just how it is.  It’s the life of a farmer…and his family.  Why I lost my mind over this fact is simple.  I woke up tired, and a million “little things” went wrong.  I smashed my finger, I stubbed my toe, I was tired, I was hungry, etc. etc.  The list could go on for hours.  All of this led to me getting on the computer to play on Facebook for a few minutes in silence.  My newsfeed was FULL of people talking about their super fun Memorial Day plans, boat rides on the lake, family events, reunions, and 4 days weekends.  Memorial Day weekend is like any other weekend to us…the rice and soybeans don’t stop growing just because of a holiday.  There were a bajillion pictures of people out at the pool, going on vacation to the beach, going to do this and that.  And I got jealous.  There, I said it.  I was so jealous of their family time and…I’ll say it…their vacations.  Their week long vacations away from their houses and familiar towns.  I wanted it.  I still do, honestly.  But we farm, so December is our month for a vacation.  Please don’t take this as something you need to say, “Oh I’m so sorry – I can’t imagine…blah blah blah.”  It’s okay.  I knew that this was what life was going to be like before we got married – I guess I just didn’t realize what an adjustment it would be for ME and NOT for Judd.  He grew up with this.  His Daddy always worked on Saturdays.  Mine didn’t.  We took a vacation almost every summer to an amusement park or wherever and just spent time as a family.  He did that in December – along with everything else. 

I say all of that not so you’ll pity me and my lifestyle.  There are definitely perks to my lifestyle – I can’t lie.  There are wonderful things about farming.  Judd gets the entire month of December off work.  But trying to fit an entire year’s worth of events into one jam packed month is difficult.  December now holds our anniversary, Amelia’s birthday, other family birthdays, and the obvious one – Christmas.  (We won’t even mention the crazy amount of duck hunting Judd does in December!)  But either way, we do enjoy our time together in December!  One of the real perks of farming is that Judd loves his job.  He TRULY loves what he does.  I would never want him to dislike the job he had to go to 6-7 days a week!

I’m working really hard on being content.  I want to be content with our lifestyle.  I want to take the good with the bad and just DEAL with it…but it’s so hard.  It’s so hard to hear about all the fun vacations people are taking.  It’s hard to read statuses on FB about everyone being excited about it being Saturday.  Saturday is just another work day here.  I’m praying really hard for the Lord to help me change my heart.  I have more blessings than I can count.  My kids are healthy.  That is such an amazing blessing – and I thank the Lord for that every single day.  I have an A-MAZING family – on both sides.  I have a husband who does major strenuous manual labor all day long for our family.  He works his tush off, folks.  Seriously.  He shovels, he rides extremely bumpy tractors, he builds things…this list could truly go on forever.  I’m so thankful for him.  I get to stay home with my babies.  That is so important to me.  I love being with them and watching them grow.  I love seeing each milestone and knowing that I’m the one with them all day.  I couldn’t be more appreciative of that fact…or I probably could…and should be.  The blessings list could far outweigh the negatives in my life!  (Sing it with me folks, “count your blessings, name them one by one…and it will surprise you what the Lord has done!)

Just typing those good things out has made me realize how good I really have it.  It stinks that Judd has to work so much the majority of the year – but I truly believe if I’ll change my heart to be more content with my situation, I will be happier with where we are and not constantly wanting.

Someone else HAS to be feeling this way about something (it doesn’t have to be about work!) and I hope that we can pray for each other!  I need prayers to change my heart.  I want to be one of those bloggers that is so happy with life that it encourages YOU to be more happy with yours.  I’d love to pray for you and have your prayers in return!  That’s what we’re here for, right?  Smile  My heart is racing over putting this confession out on the world wide web, but I need to! 

I know most of you probably didn’t care to read all of this and probably didn’t make it past the first pity-party-paragraph, and that’s okay.  Writing this post was mainly for myself.  It’s part of the self-betterment goal I’m going for.  Winking smile  I ordered a book recommended by a friend called “Calm my Anxious Heart:  A woman’s guide to finding contentment” by Linda Dillow.  I’m going to read it and I’ll do my best to let you know how it turns out. 

If you’re feeling this way about something (or anything that you’d like prayers for!) leave a comment.  We will pray for each other!  It takes only a few seconds to leave a comment – and the prayers you will receive could change your heart…and your life if you allow it!  Thank you for your prayers! 


  1. I can totally see how hard it would be for you to see other's comments about the weekend, holiday, vacations...having time with family is as important to you as it is to anyone, you just have to squeeze it into that one day a week he has off & the month of December (which has got to be crazy since it is a already jam-packed month before adding in your own personal reasons!). I know it's hard sometimes to be content in the life we have or the things we have when we someone else that seems to have it "better" than we do. I can tell you, I totally get jealous of SAHM. My own sister in law is one and I feel the sting of jealousy everytime I read on fb something she did with her kids during the day or a nap she got to take with them and so on. Luckily I get to be a semi-SAHM as I call it (being a teacher with my summers & holidays off). Guess the grass seems greener on the other side quite often! I will pray you find contentment in those parts of your life you are seeking it!

  2. I totally understand where you are coming from. Dan works really long hours and weekends as well and it is hard for me to go 13 hours without him --he doesn't even see the kids on days when he works! Sometimes I am jealous of those with husbands who work M-F, 8-5...."normal" hours. But, as most things go, there are perks to his job as well and I try to focus on those.

    And I struggle sometimes--especially reading blogs--with jealousy over seemingly "perfect" lives. Those who seem to have the perfect marriage, perfect children, and just be so put-together throughout it all. So it is nice to know that someone else out there isn't always content:) Thanks for being so honest.

  3. I agree with anna who said "And I struggle sometimes--especially reading blogs--with jealousy over seemingly "perfect" lives. Those who seem to have the perfect marriage, perfect children, and just be so put-together throughout it all. So it is nice to know that someone else out there isn't always content:)." I also get jealous of those seemingly "perfect" people out there.

  4. I have trouble with this, too, Kacie. Lydia is a challenge, and sometimes, it's just so difficult to be a stay-at-home mom. :( But we are so blessed. Let's pray for each other, so we can remember that!

  5. This is an awesome post, Kacie. Thank you so much for sharing! I can definitely relate...I feel like I'm always wanting "more" or "the next thing". And if I just had that thing, I'd be happy and content. But then I get it and it's never mind has moved on to the NEXT thing. It's exhausting and never ending. There is only one way to find contentment and that is in the Lord! He is everything we need and will make us fully content with our current situation if we let Him. It's just so hard to remember to lean on Him sometimes. I'll pray for us both as we learn to focus on the Lord rather than the things around us. :)

  6. Hey Kacie, my name is Hope Richard, married to Rance Richard and we farm not to far from you guys! I know you thru Mrs. Candy and I have seen you at some of the farm bureau events, but we have not actually meet...we should change that!!:) Anyway, i follow your blog and enjoy reading! This particular post was like you picked my brain! This June, Rance and I will have been married 6 years. We have 2 boys(4.5 and 2.5) who are sweet, wild and busy! So needless to say, I know how you feel, i have had the same thoughts, i have been jealous, i have been mad, i have been sad, i have felt alone, i have felt unsure of my decisions with the boys, i have felt like a single parent, i have had many pity parties! This to shall pass! I can tell you from (little) experience that it does get easier. We just mold our family to what works best for us. We are not the normal 9-5 family! If my kids stay up till 10 on a school night, then so be it cause daddy has been working sun up to sun down and they haven't seen him in 2 days....its just how we roll!! Some days i get off work, get the boys, head to the farm, ride the combine for hours and have to grab fast food just so we can spend some time with daddy...that's how we roll! We miss out on some beach trips or adult dinner dates, I attend school meetings or doctor's appointments alone, it's just how we roll! Rance trys his best to make up for lost times and when it rains, he more than makes up for things missed, as I am sure Judd does!! But at the end of the day, im honored to be a farmer's wife!! The way that man works his tail off for me, the boys, america, the world!! The fact that he provides us with a GREAT life, as well as, providing others with RICE AND SOYBEANS is beyond AMAZING to me!! So, the way i see it, we are entitled to these pity parties, we earned them!!;) If you ever need to talk, please call me anytime!
    Hope Richard

  7. oh sweet girl. this post hurts my heart. don't get me wrong, i battle contentment each day of the week. my flesh cries out for more. but lately, the Lord has really been working on me in this area. in a HUGE way. it is so easy to believe that we are entitled to things. that we have earned what we have & we deserve more. but, that is not the case. i wish i could talk to you in person about this. or over the phone.

    order these 2 books online:
    Feminine Appeal by Carolyn Mahaney
    Calm My Anxious Heart by Linda Dillow

    these 2 books, along with God's Word, have helped me tremendously. if you want to talk, shoot me a message on facebook & i'll give you my phone number. i am praying for you.

  8. Dear Kacie, You don't know me but we have much in common. I too am a farmer's wife and I could have written your comments because I know these feelings so well. The main difference is, I've been a farmer's wife for over 38 years now. My comments will be reflective as I look back over the years. I remember so well the feelings of jealousy because other families were doing all those wonderful things together. The trips, the holidays, etc. It seemed we were always putting our own lives on hold till the crops were planted or harvested. I remember attending school meetings, t ball games and such, alone because Bill was in the field. I felt so alone at these times but it helped knowing how much he hated missing these events too. I can't tell you how many times we've made plans only to have to change them at the last minute because it rained or it didn't rain. I don't know about you but when I married Bill it never occurred to me what a profound effect the weather would play in our future. I didn't come from a farming background so I was in culture shock for a while.
    From reading your comments I know you realize what a wonderful profession farming is. I truly love our life here on the farm and though the crops needs have to come first, they will not take the place of the love a farmer has for his family. You just have to be more creative and find new ways to spend time together. As Hope mentioned in her comments, if the farmer is busy and can't come home, bundle up the kids and go spend some time on that tractor with him. Bill and I have raised 3 pretty amazing kids and I think they would all agree their lives are better because they were raised on the farm. They grew up knowing they were the reason he worked as hard as he did...and still does. It's all about providing the best life possible for those most precious to you. Life goes so fast. Keep searching for contentment in your life. I know you'll find it because I believe you are looking in the right places and mostly because you've asked God for it in your life.

  9. I just want to thank all of you for your encouraging words. Finding contentment is apparently not something that will happen over night - but I do believe it will happen! Contentment starts in the heart and when I sit back and think about truly blessed I am, my heart is happy. I love my husband and my children with every fiber of my being. I am SO blessed to have them! Whatever God fills my cup with is what will be enough for me! Thank you to all of you who reached out. I really appreciate it more than you know!

  10. I'm new to your blog and I'm usually a blog reader and not a blog commenter.. but I just had to comment. I recently had the same kind of experience. Facebook is too passive aggressive and "look at me look at me" for me right now. I was having that sort of day where nothing was going right. I just recently started staying home full time with my daughter, and being 24 years old with a 1 year old makes it hard to find friends. I had a playdate scheduled with a girl who canceled last minute because she had a family emergency. Then I watched her on facebook all day posting funny videos and pictures on everyone else's walls.. some family emergency. I started to beat myself up and worry about what was wrong with ME. When really, it wasn't my fault! I find myself ALWAYS jealous of people - but only when I am on facebook. SO I decided to take a mental break and not allow myself to log on to facebook for as long as it takes to work on my mental health. I ordered a book about how to heal toxic thoughts and its great. Its been 6 days without facebook and I have done so many more things with my time! Instead of going to facebook when I am feeling stressed, I have to find something else to do with my time. I loved this post because it was like I was reading my own thoughts. My husband's dream is to have his own farm and reading your blog really helps me get mentally prepared for that possibility. Thank you for sharing.